


Magnus Is...Quite Magical - Part 3

by AlxSteele



Series: Through The Looking Glass [23]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - This World Inverted (Shadowhunters TV), Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Developing Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of Angst, M/M, Malec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2016-07-01
Packaged: 2018-07-18 18:33:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7325860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlxSteele/pseuds/AlxSteele
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in the AU of This World Inverted: In the aftermath of Izzy being attacked, Alec and Magnus finally talk.</p><p>OR: Part 3 of Alec finding out Magnus is a warlock, how will he react?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Magnus Is...Quite Magical - Part 3

**Author's Note:**

> The final part OR the part where Magnus actually tells Alec the truth...kind of.
> 
> To be honest, this was the hardest part I've written. I rewrote it so many times to make it come out how I wanted it too. I spent HOURs agonizing over how our boys would react to the situation but I ended up loving this so...I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Are you ready...?

Alec could only just barely breathe, had forgotten most of his basic human functions. There was no way to make sense of his overcrowded mind. He was barely even aware of the others in the room as they all surrounded Isabelle.

He kept seeing Magnus, back straight, surrounded by blue light and looking so sure. Alec… Remembering it, he could still see his Magnus but this…magic wielding Magnus, was so much different than his soft-spoken, shy boyfriend.

Alec buried his head in his hands, he couldn’t think about that right then. Isabelle had almost died. She was all that mattered.

Alec didn’t know where Magnus had gone or how long he was gone, all he knew was waiting; was silence broken by whispers, and the four of them sitting around the dining table.

And then, “Alec?”

Alec jumped up, heart leaping into his throat as his eyes flew open. His gaze narrowed in on Izzy and nothing else. Color had returned to her face at some point. Her dark lashes fluttered against her skin before her wide eyes opened. She searched out Alec immediately, a small smile flitting across her face.

“Iz,” Alec said, and then had to clear his throat. He leaned on the table, still clutching her hand.

“Izzy,” he said again, looking her up as down as her eyes roamed over their assembled group. “How do you feel?”

Isabelle laughed, it was weak and she closed her eyes again right away, like it took all her energy. “Like I was ripped open by some monster and put back together again.”

“Are you in pain?” Simon asked, taking her other hand suddenly, speaking for the first time since everything had happened and sounding much soberer than he’d been earlier in the night.

Isabelle shook her head. “Just tired.”

Alec forced himself to breathe normally, letting go of Izzy’s hand to let someone else talk to her, but she grabbed at him. She gripped his hand, nails digging into his skin.

Alec glanced back at her and tears were swimming in her eyes.

“No, don’t go.” She sounded so much like she did when they were little, like she was seven years old and had woken from a nightmare to come crawl into bed with Alec. Alec couldn’t bear to move.

“I’m right here,” he said, gripping her hand back and moving as close to the table as he could.

She smiled again, screwing her eyes shut tight. Alec could see her thinking as the smile slowly faded. “I was…” she stopped, cleared her throat.

When her eyes flickered open, swimming with tears she refused to shed, Alec’s heart constricted. He’s seen Izzy scared before, when they were little, but never as terrified as she looked right then.

She grinned a watery grin, her voice thick with tears. “I was so sure… I was _positive_ , Alec. I knew—I thought…” she took a ragged breath. “I was _sure_ I was going to die, Alec.”

Alec shook his head. “I’d _never_ let that happen,” he said fiercely, forcing back his own tears. Refusing to admit that he’d been sure of the same thing and had wanted to die right along with her.

Izzy laughed, shaking her head. “I know,” she said, eyes full of trust. “I’d never let anything happen to you either. Or you, Jace,” she added. “We protect each other.”

Alec shook his head as Jace leaned against him. “You’re so stupid Izzy. Trying to protect me. Never—”

“Don’t even,” Izzy cut in softly, closing her eyes with a sigh.

They all fell silent. Clary and Simon standing on one side of the table, Jace and Alec the other, every gaze focused on Isabelle.

Eventually, Izzy flicked her eyes open again, looking around. “Where’s Magnus?”

Alec breathed deeply, looking away. “I don’t know.”

***

Magnus surveyed the scene and felt nothing. His mind spun, stuck in his loft with Alexander. He tried to convince himself everything would be fine. It would all work out. Alec would know, and maybe he’d be mad Magnus hadn’t told him, but they’d talk about it and work it out. It’d be fine.

Magnus shook his head, trying to focus, but not even this could distract him from his thoughts.

It’s my fault, he thought. My fault Isabelle almost died. My fault Alec got hurt. He didn’t even bother trying to rationalize with himself because it was true. The wolves would’ve been outside his loft because of him, because he was trying to stop them. Magnus should’ve noticed when they passed through his wards and he hadn’t. Isabelle could’ve _died_. Jace, Clary, Simon… _Alec_. They all could’ve died and it would’ve been his fault.

There was a dead werewolf at his feet. He was surrounded by dozens more, some dead, the rest all kneeling to Luke, who was covered in blood.

The last few minutes – was it longer? – were a blur in Magnus’ mind. He’d stepped out of the portal and he’d been pissed. Magic flowed freely throughout his body, pooling in his hands. He’d tossed it around like it was nothing, striking down wolves as Luke fought Alaric.

When it had looked like Luke would lose, Magnus hadn’t been the littlest bit worried. He had more than enough anger and worry and…so much else, to fuel him long after his magic should’ve started depleting.

Unfortunately, Luke had won just a few minutes later and Magnus had to stop releasing his anger on the wolves.

Raphael stood next to him, having arrived minutes after the end of Luke’s fight with Alaric. Raphael looked a little too amused. “Well, I guess that solves the wolf problem.”

But what about all the others? Magnus thought.

***

“Magnus!” Alec shot up off the couch as Magnus stepped out of a glowing…portal?

It was the middle of the night, Alec was still covered in Izzy’s blood and wanted nothing more than to shower and sleep but he hadn’t been able too. Somewhere between carrying Izzy to the spare bedroom and sitting in there with everyone else until she fell asleep again – while Jace repeated the same questions over and over again, about Magnus and magic and Izzy and werewolves… – Alec had regained control of his thoughts and feelings, coming out of the shock of seeing Izzy nearly die.

So he’d sat up in the living room, waiting for Magnus.

Magnus looked worn out, deep circles under his eyes. When he smiled at Alec, it was wobbly at best.

“Alexander,” he said and it was barely a breath, not even a whisper.

Alec had planned what he was going to say, stewing in anger, he was going to demand answers, insist they finally talk but… Seeing Magnus, all he cared about was making sure he was okay.

He walked up, putting a hand on Magnus’ face and tilting his chin up until he met his gaze. Alec searched his eyes for answers but only found more questions.

“Are you okay?” he murmured, brushing the hair out of Magnus’ face.

The moment only lasted for a second. Then, Magnus snorted, shaking his head and pulling away from Alec, leaving him feeling hollow.

“Don’t _do_ that, Alec.”

Alec’s heart pounded, slow and hard. Magnus wouldn’t meet his gaze, turning away, and it took everything in Alec not to fall apart right then.

Instead, Alec folded his arms, the anger that he’d been holding at bay all night rearing its ugly head. It wasn’t necessarily anger at Magnus. It was…pure exhaustion and worry. The anger was because he had no idea what was happening, and he still couldn’t quite believe Izzy was safe and fine. And he didn’t want to do _this_ right then.

There was this ball of panic and fear in Alec’s gut, growing bigger by the minute. He was terrified of what would happen when it exploded, forcing him to deal with it.

Alec had to take several deep breaths to get his emotions under control. “Don’t do what?” he asked in a too quiet voice.

Magnus started pacing, he waved his arms around wildly, Alec’s eyes trained on his back. “Don’t be _sweet_. Don’t act like everything’s _fine_.”

Alec clenched his hands into fists, shaking his head.

“Don’t _care about me_.” Magnus wasn’t yelling, but talking in a hard voice that blocked out any emotion, like he didn’t feel anything at all. “Yell at me! Hate me. It’s what I deserve,” Magnus’ voice broke and the anger left Alec as fast as it had come. “Don’t just…be you.”

Alec shook his head, his arms falling to his sides. “What?”

Magnus whipped around, glaring in a way Alec had never seen before. Alec’s heart stopped with that look.

“Don’t act like I deserve sympathy, I _don’t_ ,” Magnus’ voice got hard again, full of barely controlled anger. “I’m a _warlock_ , Alec. I’m not human. I’m half demon in fact. I’m four hundred years old and I have magic and—and I never told you! So just…yell at me. Scream. Storm out. Break up with me.”

Alec’s pulse thudded through his skull, reverberating over and over again. He couldn’t hear anymore which was fine, because Magnus deflated, slumping in on himself and falling silent.

Alec closed his eyes, swallowing thickly. Everything was happening too quickly, his knees were weak, head spinning, and he couldn’t seem to speak. Alec really just needed for everything to pause, to stop. He needed time to catch up, figure things out before everything exploded all around him.

Alec shook his head, eyes still closed, waiting for his racing heart to slow down. When it finally did, and he felt like he could control his body again, he turned his back to Magnus, rubbing a hand over his face.

He took a minute to gather his thoughts before turning back around.

“If you want to fight, we’ll do it in the morning. Okay? But I’m too tired to even…think,” Alec’s voice broke but he was too tired to notice. “My sister almost died and you look like you’re on the verge of passing out. And I have no idea what you’re saying and I don’t want to try to understand tonight. Okay?”

Magnus deflated in front of his eyes and this was so much worse than Magnus yelling and demanding Alec be mad.

Alec didn’t want to be mad, he didn’t want to fight. And Magnus… Magnus just looked so defeated and helpless, like he’d already lost something that couldn’t be replaced.

 “Just…it’s been a long day, please, just… Come to bed with me?”

***

Magnus couldn’t sleep. He laid in bed next to Alec, hand gripping Alec’s, their legs entangled. They were pretending and it was more obvious than ever, but Magnus wasn’t going to be the one to say no to this, to lying in bed with Alexander even as his mind spun too fast for him to even think about sleeping.

How could he not have told Alec? After everything, he should’ve trusted him. Now… Magnus was terrified he’d ruined everything.

He refused to give into the panic growing in his chest, kept thinking of how to explain it all. Over and over again, he ran through ways to tell Alec but it didn’t matter much now. Alec would know everything and after that…there was nothing Magnus could do.

Magnus found himself squeezing his eyes shut tighter, wishing that everything would be fine, even if he didn’t deserve it. He _wanted_ it. So much. For things to be fine. For them to be fine.

He stayed completely still even when the urge to shift relentlessly filled him to the brim, driving him insane.

The worst part wasn’t that Magnus knew Alec deserved better than him, that he’d been the one to ruin everything. The worst part was just how intense his feelings for Alec had gotten.

Laying there, feeling his own heartbeat syncing with Alec’s, he didn’t think he’d let himself feel it before; feel just how much he’d fallen; just how much Alec meant to him. It was crazy, really. But it was real and there, building in his chest, smothering him. And he was terrified, because he’d been in love before but never, never like this. And…and he was going break Alec’s heart. He knew it. No matter how hard he tried not to, he would.

Magnus closed his eyes, pretending to sleep.

***

Alec breathed, deep and even, trying to work everything out in his mind. Magnus, was a warlock — like in those stories his mom told them? Is that why the stories had been stuck in Alec’s mind; like…somehow he already knew?

Magnus was four hundred years old, that was going to take a while to get his mind around. Magnus could do magic. Magnus had used his magic to save Isabelle who would’ve died without him…

If Magnus was a warlock, then what attacked them were… Werewolves? Alec flashed back, remembering the wolf Magnus had ordered around while Izzy was bleeding out. Werewolves. Of course.

Alec’s heart hurt. He hadn’t really understood before that moment that a heart could hurt. His emotions were a mess of tangled strings in his gut. He loved Magnus, he knew that in the same way he knew he loved Izzy and Jace, and tolerated Simon. In the same way he knew he’d do anything for any of them, he knew he’d do anything for Magnus, to be with Magnus…

That’s what made it so gut-wrenchingly horrible. Because Alec trusted Magnus, as much as he trusted his own siblings. Told Magnus everything, and maybe he didn’t have as much to say, he’d had a fairly happy life, there wasn’t tragedy in his part, he had a relatively perfect family… He’d had a _good_ life, and Magnus… Alec didn’t know anymore.

That’s what hurt. He didn’t know much about Magnus at all, did he?

Was… was any of it true?

Alec’s hand tightened around Magnus’ as the panic lurking in his gut moved to squeeze around his heart.

How much of it was real? How much of what he thought he knew of Magnus was true?

Alec breathed raggedly and tried to hid it by turning his head into the pillow under him. Magnus must’ve heard though, because he moved closer to Alec. He dropped his hand to wrap his arm around Alec, so Magnus’ chest was pressed against his back.

Alec squeezed his eyes closed even tighter, grabbing Magnus’ hand again, mind filled with dozens of memories of lying in bed like this. It had always been accompanied by lots of laughing every time Magnus was the big spoon.

Alec breathed in and out again, heart racing before slowing to a normal pace. This, he told himself, _this_ was real. It wasn’t a lie. It was the truth. Their feelings were real, more real than anything else.

But…Magnus didn’t trust him. Hadn’t trusted him with anything and that…that really sucked. It _hurt_.

Alec couldn’t sleep but he wasn’t ready to deal with…anything, so he pretended he could.

***

They must’ve fallen asleep at some point because, eventually, Magnus woke up, burying his head in his pillow, content. Then his mind slowly filled him in on everything that had happened the night before and he was wide awake, eyes popping open. His chest rose and fell rapidly but Alec was asleep and didn’t notice.

Magnus pulled away, turning onto his back and staring straight up at the ceiling. There were flashes in his mind. Screams. Panic. Running. Alec covered in blood and that one heart-stopping, world-ending moment where Magnus thought… Where it looked like Alec had been the one…

And then Isabelle, and Alec’s heart on a platter as he begged Magnus to save her like he somehow knew he could.

And he had, Magnus reminded himself. He’d saved Isabelle. He’d protected Alec. Because an Alec without an Isabelle… Magnus didn’t even want to consider that.

He turned towards Alec, watching him in the darkness of the room. He could only just make out the shape of him, his chiseled jaw and sharp cheekbones.

I don’t deserve this, Magnus thought and it wasn’t the first time he’d come to this realization. But he was so tired, drained still from the healing, so he allowed himself the comfort of reaching out and running his fingers through Alec’s hair.

Magnus Bane was made of nothing but love for a moment and then the worry rushed back, along with the pain and misery. He knew this didn’t just make everything magically okay. He knew… he knew what he had to do. For Alec.

But, for that moment, he was curled up with Alexander and he was terrified that this would be the last time they were pressed close enough that he could feel Alec’s heartbeat through his own chest. So, Magnus closed his eyes, turned over and buried his head against Alec before drifting off again.

***

Alec woke up, heart racing, fear pulsing through his veins. He couldn’t breathe. He kept seeing it, over and over again. Monsters in the dark. Pain. Bright flashes. Izzy on the ground, bleeding. Saying Alec’s name over and over again like she knew he’d save her, like he was supposed to. Only…he didn’t. He kept seeing her, not moving, not breathing, bleeding out.

He sat up, abruptly, gasping for breath and clutching his side as he remembered the pain. He couldn’t breathe.

Izzy, he thought.

Izzy, laying on the ground. So pale. So much blood.

He blinked and blinked but, even as his chest opened up and air wheezed in and out of his lungs, he couldn’t stop seeing Izzy. Pale and dying. Dying. Izzy had been _dying_.

Alec pulled his legs to his chest, bending his head down and focusing on the air moving in and out of his lungs. Slowing his breathing, even as his heart galloped harder and faster in his chest.

He breathed in raggedly, released his breath on a choked sob and then Magnus was there, pulling him close, holding him tight. And Alec was seeing bright flashes. Blue flames.

“Magic.”

***

Magnus froze at the word, holding Alec close because he’d been whimpering in his sleep and, even when he woke up, it hadn’t stopped.

They were both frozen, barely breathing. It was early in the morning, too early. They’d barely slept even though it felt as if they’d been dead to the world for days.

That word, magic—everything it meant, everything that was there—was hanging between them, echoing over and over again.

Alec turned into him, pushing him back down on the bed. Magnus went without protest.

“Magnus,” Alec’s voice was…wrecked, broken and filled with more emotions than Magnus could name. It was raw and low, rough from sleep.

Alec hovered above him for a moment, face cast mostly in shadows but Magnus could see his eyes perfectly. Bright and clear as ever, filled with stony determination.

“Yes?” Magnus whispered when the silence became too much.

And then Alec was crashing down on top of him.

Like magnets, they were drawn together, sharing the air between them and then there was nothing between them.

They’d kissed a lot. Countless times. In a million ways. Slow and fast and in between. In lust, in love. When joking, when trying to shut each other up because things were too serious. Against a wall, on the couch, in the rain; slowly, over and over again while lying in bed, curled around each other. Yet somehow, none of those—not the first, not the second, not the longest or the shortest—compared to this one.

Magnus lost his breath and found it again. His thoughts scattered and rearranged themselves. His love for Alec consumed him in those moments that were far too short as they lost their selves to each other’s kiss.

It felt like a lifetime had passed since they last kissed. Who knew how long it would be before the next. If there’d be a next.

***

Alec wasn’t trying to hide from their problems, from the truth that was coming crashing down all around them. But he’d almost lost Isabelle. He’d almost lost the person he cared about most in the world. And Magnus had saved her.

And it wasn’t that. It wasn’t Izzy almost dying. It wasn’t…rewarding Magnus for saving her.

It was that here was this person, this person Alec had given every inch of himself too, handing over his whole heart, over and over again. And they were both scared and tired and already broken and he didn’t want to feel that. Not yet. He wanted this. Selfishly. Completely.

So they kissed. And they kissed more. And it was better than Alec ever remembered it being, and it was bittersweet because, as much as he wanted it to feel like a new beginning, it didn’t.

Magnus rolled over on top of Alec, breaking away for a moment. Their eyes met and it was like nothing else existed in the world and never had. Magnus still looked tired, exhausted, but there were so many more emotions hidden deep in his eyes.

Alec waited, breathing softly, head cushioned on Magnus’ pillow. Slowly, Magnus leaned down, brushing their lips together softly, once, twice, before pulling away.

***

Magnus pulled away first, he couldn’t catch his breath. Couldn’t breathe. The panic that had been sitting low in his stomach had spread to completely effulge him and, as much as he wanted to, he couldn’t just lay there and kiss Alec until the world ended around them.

He buried his head in Alec’s shirt, resting above his heart that he could feel racing under his cheek. Alec wrapped his arms around him and they just laid there for a few minutes, both trying to get their heartbeats under control again. It could’ve been hours for all they knew.

Magnus gave himself one moment and then another and another until finally, he was brave enough to pull back.

Magnus moved off of Alec, standing and pacing. If ever there was a time to say it…this wasn’t the perfect one but it was the only one he had.

“Alexander…” he started and once he started, he couldn’t stop. “I have… I know this is overdue but I have to tell you… I have to explain.”

Magnus spent the next hour going over the basics, everything he could think of. Alec went back to sitting with his head in his hands until Magnus trailed off uneasily. He hadn’t even gotten to the details of his life, only the basics of the downworld, of what—who, Magnus was. What had attacked them.

He kept telling himself to stop, to walk away. Here he was, destroying this beautiful boy and he needed to stop. He should’ve stopped so long ago. But…he couldn’t seem to help himself.

He’d imagined this moment so, _so_ many times. He’d worried he’d break Alec’s heart. He never imagined he’d break his own, staring at the man he loved who just looked so tired and confused. Like the whole world had changed when he wasn’t looking and he no longer understood it.

Everything was becoming crystal clear and he didn’t want it to. He didn’t want to have to do what he knew he did.

Magnus stared at Alec as Alec held his head in his hands, leaning over on the side of the bed.

Please, just look at me, Magnus thought. Just look up, so I know everything will be okay.

He held his breath, waiting. Alec rubbed his face again. He stood up, walking to the other side of the bed, and pacing before coming to a stop. He stared up at the ceiling. He didn’t look at Magnus.

***

Alec couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t understand half of what Magnus was saying and he just wanted him to stop. Wanted it to be over. He didn’t want to hear this. Didn’t want to hear his mother’s stories repeating in his ears from when he was a little kid.

He paced, rubbing the back of his neck. Said, “My mom…she used to tell Izzy and I stories… I think they were fairytales or something. About downworlders and…”

“Shadowhunters,” Magnus filled in for him, nodding.

Alec closed his eyes, coming to a stop. It was too much. Too fast. Izzy… Werewolves. And Magnus…an immortal warlock?

“When I was healing Isabelle,” Magnus whispered from across the room.

Alec glanced up, meeting his gaze. Nothing made sense anymore but…Magnus was still Magnus… Right? And Alec still loved him.

“I felt it, the angel blood. Not as strong anymore… Nephilim haven’t been needed for a while now. But it’s still there.”

“Wait, angel blood?” There was a roaring in Alec’s ears, making it hard to hear.

Magnus nodded.

Alec’s heart thundered and he should’ve been more surprised than he was but in a way…it made sense. Hadn’t he always known Magnus had to be more than just another…mundane? Hadn’t his mom told him countless times that they were part angel?

His head was pounding, blood rushing through his ears, louder and louder and louder.

He knew he needed to ask questions but he couldn’t. He couldn’t open his mouth and voice everything.

Why hadn’t Magnus told him before? Didn’t he trust him?

But he could hear it in Magnus’ voice. As much as it was killing Alec to learn all this, everything he been keeping quiet, it had been killing Magnus too.

They were a mess, falling apart in the same bed every night and being too scared to try to put each other back together again.

Alec tried to remember, as he took deep, steadying breaths. He tried to remember what he’d worried about. What he’d thought Magnus’ big truth would be. That he didn’t love Alec? That he was cheating? Alec couldn’t remember anything, any concrete thought he’d had. Just the knowledge, in the pit of his stomach, that once he found out, things would change. Once Magnus finally, _finally_ opened up to him, there’d be no going back.

“I know… I have no right to ask anything of you, Alexander —” Alec’s heart skipped a beat, the same way it had every time since the first time Magnus called him that. “— But please, say something.”

Alec’s mind was spinning but… It wasn’t with questions of magic; it wasn’t his world rearranging itself as he realized the world was so much bigger than he ever thought. It was that… Why did it have to take him so long to tell Alec? Why couldn’t Magnus have trusted him?

"This is… It's just, a lot to take in."

***

Magnus’ heartbeat filled the room, louder than his own voice. He shook his head, trying to gather his thoughts. “I-I know, Alexander. And…I’m so sorry I… I just…”

The panic was getting worse. Magnus couldn’t form complete sentences and his breath came in ragged gasps. “I just… I know I should’ve told you and I know I can’t fix that but I need you to know I’ll tell you everything. Whatever you want to know. Whenever you’re ready. I will never lie to you again.”

This wasn’t what he was supposed to say, Magnus thought, but couldn’t help himself.

***

Alec just kept thinking the same things over and over and over again. His mind chasing itself in circles.

He should check on Isabelle, he thought remotely, but didn’t move to do it.

He should look at Magnus, but he couldn’t. He was terrified of what he’d see there. Terrified he’d see everything he was feeling echoed there because they both had to feel it right? That suddenly things were the opposite of how they’d been. It wasn’t great and perfect anymore. Everything was about to get so hard and messy.

They’d make it through…wouldn’t they?

Alec found himself imagining the future instead of staying present, instead of asking the questions fighting for dominance in his mind. This…it might take a little time, there was stuff to work through like mature adults…and warlocks. Things they had to talk about instead of just ignoring it all and Alec… Alec wasn’t even sure how he was reacting to everything right then but… They’d get over it, wouldn’t they? They’d be okay once they got through this.

When Alec finally opened his mouth, words just fell out. He didn’t know how to categorize what he was feeling, betrayed? Hurt? Sad? All that and more, but there was a layer of protection around him, keeping him numb and dazed, too much was happening, too fast.

"I mean. It's been four months. Four months. I thought..." _I thought we were in love_ ; Alec couldn’t finish the thought out loud. “Why…why didn’t you tell me? Why…” _Why didn’t you trust me before? Why…_

Alec didn’t know if he was asking the right questions. If he was overreacting. He’d never done this before. Never been in a real relationship. Never been in love. It hurt like hell.

“I— you could’ve told me. Before…before all this.” _Before it drove us apart. Before it broke something between us._

He finally looked up, meeting Magnus’ gaze and he’d never seen the other man — warlock — so open, so vulnerable before. Eyes wide, mouth hanging open, as he searched for words he didn’t know how to say. It made Alec’s heart stop.

Was this what it was like? Was this the first crack in your heart before it broke?

***

Magnus couldn’t help but think, in that moment, that Alec looked like a confused, lost puppy. It might’ve been adorable if Magnus didn’t know exactly why he looked like that. If Magnus didn’t know it was all his fault. If Magnus couldn’t see the way Alec’s heart was breaking, slowly, one little crack at a time.

***

Alec’s heart was a thudding mess in his chest. He could only just hear Magnus over it. He so badly wanted that moment to be over. To move on to another. For the world to pause so he could think for a minute.

Emotions battled for dominance in him, pain and fear, worry and anger.

***

This was it, Magnus knew. This was what he had to do. They were breathing heavily, staring at each other.

This was what was right. For Alec. Alec deserved better.

Magnus breathed deeply, turning away. He composed himself, erasing every trace of emotion from his face and voice. “Maybe…maybe we should just take a break… Figure things out.”

***

Everything froze and Alec just stood there. Minutes passed. Hours maybe, before he could breathe, before he could move and think and speak. Alec shook his head slowly; sure he’d heard Magnus wrong.

“What?” The anger was still there, in his voice. He was more consumed by panic though, the anger already a distant memory.

Magnus turned slowly, his eyes wide and serious, expression devoid of emotion. “Maybe we should take a break, figure things out…separately.”

Alec shook his head, closing his eyes as his chest squeezed tight. “A break from this…conversation, or a break from us?”

Magnus didn’t answer. Alec counted to sixty and then sixty again, and Magnus never said anything. When Alec’s eyes opened again, he was still just standing there and Alec was so fucking _angry_.

"Can we just come back to the part where _you never told me_ this?" Alec’s mind was racing, this wasn’t happening. He didn’t want to fight. What was happening?

Magnus was just standing there, like nothing was happening, like this wasn’t affecting him at all. Like it was so simple and they weren’t shattering apart against each other.

“When was I supposed to tell you? You’ve been avoiding me,” he finally said, in a quiet voice. Then, more forcibly, “This is why we should take a break.”

“You can’t be serious?” Alec said, his voice barely held back from screaming. His hands shook at his sides and Magnus turned away again.

“You’re serious?” Alec didn’t know whether to scream, run away, or sob. There was definitely a sob building somewhere in him because…no. This couldn’t be happening; they weren’t going to break up. They…

“Why are you doing this?” he asked, because, despite everything, just then he knew he understood Magnus, he _knew_ Magnus, and Magnus would not do this to them, to him. “We’re supposed to be talking, Magnus. We’re supposed to be figuring this out. You explain and you fight and then you figure it out.”

Magnus whipped around suddenly; Alec’s heart leapt into his throat. Magnus looked him right in the eyes and Alec could see it, see him giving up, even if he didn’t understand why.

“Maybe I don’t want to.”

***

It took everything in Magnus to say those words, to think them. To get them out without sobbing. How could this be happening? What was he doing?

Staring at Alec, who’s gaze was torn between anger and despair, Magnus almost broke, but then he reminded himself that this was exactly why he was doing this. He was hurting Alec now so he wouldn’t do it later. It was better this way. He’d explained things so at least Alec would…would realize that he didn’t want to be with Magnus anyway. Because Magnus lied and he was…he was just a warlock.

So he said it and he did his best to mean it. He let them fall apart, break away from each other, and pretended he didn’t even notice when his heart left him.

***

“Are you—you’re trying to break up with me?" Alec wasn’t mad before, not like this, the anger burning through his bloodstream because this…this wasn’t _fair_. It wasn’t what he wanted.

He turned away before Magnus could see just how much this was affecting him, before Magnus could say anything.

"You've been...lying to me since we met and you're going to break up with me now?"

Magnus’ voice was soft, barely a whisper. "I haven't been lying since we met."

"That's bullshit!” Alec erupted. “You can't just lie and deceive and then push me away! I get to push _you_ away!"

He turned around again and Magnus was leaning against the wall, head back, eyes closed.

Alec shook his head, “No. I don’t know why you’re doing this but… But I know you don’t mean it, Magnus. You don’t want to break up with me. You… I…” Alec trailed off, rubbing a hand over his face. “No. This isn’t a solution. We need to…we should…” Alec gripped his hair, he didn’t know what they should do but not _this_.

Magnus’ silence was killing him, not slowly but all at once. He wanted to shout at Magnus, demand he say something, but he was terrified of what that something might be.

Alec couldn’t stay still, he could barely breathe and no. NO. This wasn’t happening. He’d already almost lost one person he loved that night, he wasn’t going to lose another one. He wouldn’t.

***

Magnus wanted to take it back. Take everything back. Scream that, of course, he didn’t mean it and hope to hell that Alec could forgive him for everything.

What was he doing? How could he sit there, hurting Alec even more, after everything he did? How could he let Alec walk away not knowing if he would ever come back?

Magnus didn’t have a heart anymore, he’d destroyed it. Yet somehow, he could still feel everything when he wanted to feel nothing at all.

He wouldn’t open his eyes. Thought Alec might have already left but refused to check.

When Alec’s voice came again, lower than ever, and filled with determination, it was the last push. If Magnus wasn’t destroyed before, he was now.

“ _No_ ,” Alec said and Magnus could picture him, backing up and shaking his head. “No. We aren’t breaking up, we’re… No. We’re going to talk later because…because right now I’m pissed and I don’t know how to feel and I am so fucking _tired_ , and my little sister almost died last night. But…”

He stopped talking but Magnus could still hear him breathing. Then: “But I fucking _love_ you and I know you love me too, Magnus. I _know_ you do. So… So.”

Magnus bit his lip on a sob because Alec was so right. From the moment they’d met, the first time they kissed, the first time he realized what this was, Magnus had been totally and completely his. In love in a way he’d never been before.

His heart belonged to Alexander Lightwood and he knew he wouldn’t get it back. But…but here he was, pushing Alec away.

It’s for the best, he told himself over and over. Biting his cheek to stop a sob.

“I’m going to leave and then we’re…we’re going to talk about this later when I know what the hell I’m saying,” Alec finally finished.

Magnus didn’t move, pressed as close as he could get to the wall behind him, like it would protect him from everything that had already happened.

He didn’t move until Alec was gone. Isabelle, Jace, Simon, and Clary with him.

Then, he fell face forward onto his pillows, letting out a broken sob when he realized they smelled like Alec.

_What had he done?_

**Author's Note:**

> I'M SORRY! I never knew I was so evil before (that's a lie, I've always known I was evil). However, the happy ending is still coming. There will be around 8 more little parts as we journey to the end of the road (does that even make sense?). There will be some more angst but we'll also have FLUFF! AND surprise! I won't be making you wait a week between every update because that is way too long! Instead, you will now get two updates a week until the end! Next one will be up Monday or Tuesday night!
> 
> Okay, do tell, how has THE THING held up so far? Were you disappointed? Did you want Alec to react a different way? Did I accidentally kill anyone? (I know people wanted bamf Magnus and Magnus is still a bamf in the alt world in my mind, but he's also quieter and that's why I didn't write a lot of him being a bamf. Hope no one was too disappointed!)
> 
> Yell (or speak nicely!) at me on [Tumblr](http://imawriteriwrite.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> Thanks for reading you lovely biscuits! <3<3<3<3


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